What 5 Years of Self-improvement Has Taught Me

Five years ago, I was in a pretty dark place. I was anxious, depressed, and would fantasise about taking my own life. Thankfully, something clicked, and I knew that if I didn't make a change, nothing would.

I knew that action had to be taken, but as far as my knowledge went. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, only that my ways of thought were tangled, messed up, and completely ruining my life. And if I wanted even a chance of something positive, I’d have to do the work.

And so I started doing anything that made sense, doing anything that would theoretically force me to improve. I didn’t know if it would work, how could I? But anything was better than nothing.

I got a lot wrong, but also a lot right. The direction of my life and the environment within my own head completely changed. Life went from a constant dark and wet cloud lingering over my head to something I could actually enjoy and look forward to.

The magnitude of the change I experienced was enough to make me obsessed with everything that caused it. It’s why I’m here today, 5 years later, writing about self-improvement.

So without further delay, here are some of the favourite lessons I’ve learned along the way, lessons that you too are likely to encounter on your own journey.

Responsibility

How can you expect to change the parts of yourself you don’t like, when you’re not even responsible for them? 

If you blame your problems on the people or things that caused them, how do you expect to have the control that’s required to change them?

People blame their weight on genetics, their lack of wealth on the government or their unhappiness on their childhood. But blame is a trap designed to keep you exactly where you are. 

That’s exactly where I was, a consequence of a rough childhood and blaming my situation on it. Blame changed nothing, responsibility did.

Control follows the finger that points, meaning whatever or whomever you blame for your problems is also what has control over them. And my best guess is that whatever did cause them isn't coming back to rectify their wrongdoing.

That’s not to say you’re wrong, either. Maybe you are genetically predisposed to carry more fat, maybe your government is terrible, and maybe your childhood was hell. But if you aren’t responsible for wherever you are today, don’t expect to be able to change.

The avoidance of responsibility is common because it’s comfortable. You might dislike your situation, but at least it’s not your fault. Taking responsibility is not only disliking your situation, but it’s also admitting that the only reason you’re still there is you.

But although it’s uncomfortable initially, it’s also the only thing that allows you to change in the long term.

Real Self-Belief

One of the things I struggled with before deciding to change was self-belief. I hated where I was, didn’t know what to do, but also had no belief that I could amount to anything more.

I’d see people achieving amazing things or living lives I dreamt of living, yet had no belief that I could do the same.

I thought belief was something you were either born with or was instilled within you from a young age, and if you weren't fortunate enough to be either one, you could forget about believing in yourself. 

Along the way, however, I learned otherwise. Upon taking action and doing increasingly harder things, I noticed my levels of self-belief rising alongside it.

Then I realised: Self-belief isn’t something caused by luck, it’s something you build. 

Every action you take and every promise you make are opportunities that can either aid in building how much you believe in yourself, or do the very opposite.

My problem wasn't genetics or a lack of proper parenting, it was that I had broken more promises to myself than I could count, and given myself no evidence that I could actually achieve what I wanted.

Because that’s all self-belief is: Evidence.

Every snoozed alarm, missed workout, and broken diet is you breaking your own promises. It’s proving to yourself that you can’t do what you said you would. The more you do this, the less you’ll believe.

If you want self-belief, then create more evidence. Set a goal, regardless of how small, and achieve it. Then set a harder goal, and achieve it. Repeat this process until it becomes logically unwise to doubt yourself.

This is especially true with goals hard enough to leave you questioning whether you can achieve them or not, as when you achieve these, the question you ask yourself goes from “What could I achieve?” to “What couldn’t I achieve?”

There Is No Finish Line

When you manage to dig yourself out of a rut and start gaining some traction, you’ll find yourself improving at a rapid rate. But after enough wins and accomplished goals, you’re quickly faced with an uncomfortable truth: there is no finish line.

It’s called Hedonic Adaptation, and it means: “the psychological process where people quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness after major positive or negative life events.”

In other words, we get used to things very, very quickly.

You’ve probably experienced this yourself when finally getting the car you wanted or the shoes you’ve been waiting to be released, only for them to quickly become vehicles that help you get from A to B, and nothing more.

We can get caught up in the beginning, fantasising about a version of ourselves, at the top of the mountain with a smile on our face, having done exactly what we set out to do.

But this doesn’t exist. There is no final summit. The moment we achieve something or reach a new level, we look for the next mountain to climb.

So whatever long-term goal you’re currently working towards and dreaming about what that might bring, just know, it won’t end there.

Although initially this can seem daunting, it does, in fact, teach us something very important. That is to choose a goal for the process instead of the result. 

If the game you’re playing is never-ending, you’d be much better off choosing a game you actually enjoy playing, and not a game you’re only playing for the medal at the end.