Shifting Identities: What Does It Really Mean to Change?

“You are what you repeatedly do”, but is that enough?

Do actions themselves change people? If they did, wouldn’t we all be who we wanted to be?

When a smoker decides to quit, when does it turn from “trying to quit”, and start becoming “I don’t smoke”? The actions are the same, but the identity changes.

Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? We don’t want to be the person trying to be someone else, we want to BE that person. 

During a recent event, my fiancé turned to me, pointed out a group of guys smoking cigars, and jokingly said, “Are you going to smoke a cigar?”

I laughed it off, but when thinking about it the next day, I realised something interesting. For years, I was purposefully staying away from drinking, vaping, smoking, etc. But now, randomly, years later, the attraction and persuasiveness had vanished.

I didn’t realise it at the moment, but when thinking about it the following day, I realised that, unlike almost every time before, there wasn’t even any temptation.

This, I believe, was the moment that my identity had caught up. This was the moment I had completed the shift of not only gaining a new identity, but also leaving one I had for so long behind.

This left me wondering, why did it take so long? If my actions had started years prior, why is my identity only now fully catching up?

It’s Not About Time

I thought about all the other parts of my identity that had already caught up to the actions. Then it clicked: It’s never about how long you’ve been doing it, it’s about how much evidence you have that supports it.

Climbing a mountain once doesn’t make you a mountaineer. You did the same thing as them, but you’re not them. Keep climbing mountains, though, and that identity slowly starts to shift.

This is because identity doesn’t care about who you declare yourself to be, or even what you’ve done a handful of times. It cares about what no one can disprove or argue against. It's about proving that you are that person over and over again.

Having to consciously say no to vaping or even drinking didn’t come around very often. Whereas something like shifting your identity surrounding the gym or diet is different.

Going to the gym 5 times a week and eating 3 healthy meals a day allows you to gather a lot more evidence than having to say no to a drink or smoke every few weeks.

This way, you’re able to gather a lot more evidence in a shorter period of time, speeding up the process of the identity shift.

Every time you take an action that matches your new identity becomes another vote. The more votes you have, the more unquestionable it becomes that you truly have changed.

Who Are You Changing?

Another element that plays a crucial role in becoming the new you has nothing to do with who you want to be, but everything to do with who you’re trying to change.

You don’t just gain an identity, you also leave one behind.

The person going from a sports and athletic background and becoming a runner will have a much easier, quicker and smoother journey than someone who has never exercised.

Or, someone who has smoked for 35 years is going to have to gather a lot more evidence to successfully shift their identity than the person who has smoked for 6 months. 

Think of a scale: the heavier one side is, the more you’re going to have to fill the opposite to restore balance and eventually tip the scales in your favour.

The weight is just the volume of evidence you’re able to acquire.

This is why you see some people changing much faster than others. Who you are plays just as big of a role, if not a bigger role, than who you’re trying to become.

Reaching Tipping Point

The only question left is: how do you know when you’ve successfully adopted your new identity? 

What had changed for me on the day of the event? 

Well, nothing…

I didn’t do anything different that day. The action had been done, the difference was that my identity had finally caught up. The only thing that had changed was my awareness.

Your brain is quietly updating your identity in the background, the only problem is, it’s lagging behind. 

We can often get caught expecting our identity to change the moment we purchase the gym membership or throw the packet of cigarettes into the trash. 

It’s why you see people posting themselves in the gym on day one. They believe that if people see them as that person, they become them. But identity change is often the very last thing to happen.

Your actions change, then your habits, then your life, then your identity.

It’s when not going to the gym or working out feels more unnatural than doing so. Not just because a few hundred people saw you there.

It’s when temptation turns into indifference. Not simply because you said no.

It’s when you stop trying to be someone. Because you are them.