Getting Offended - The Problem With Today's World
Two major problems in today's world have led to the victim mentality crisis.
Today, people believe that their feelings matter more than logic and common sense.
They try to ban words and phrases, as if we, humans, didn’t just one day make them up and assign meaning to them, and we can just do the same thing again….anyway….
The problems are 1: Convenience, speed and ease sell, meaning all the major corporations benefit from making our lives easier, turning us into ease-seeking freaks.
And 2: somehow we’ve created a society that believes turning the world into a soft and cosy place that will never be able to hurt our feelings is a better and more viable option than simply turning ourselves, as individuals, into someone who can handle anything.
Isn’t the second option the more empathetic and empowering anyway? It’s a true and possible option that would genuinely make the world a better place, instead of a delusion-fuelled philosophy that suggests that by hurting my feelings, you are automatically in the wrong.
The cause of this nonsense? Simply a lack of understanding, practice and implementation of a true fundamental, emotional intelligence.
What It Is, What It Does
Emotional intelligence, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”
Let me say that again, emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions judiciously.
Essentially, when something happens that sparks a feeling, it’s how good you are at noticing it, stopping it from spiralling and then acting in a manner that’s best for you and your future.
Let’s use a very simple example. You’ve just come home from a market where you stumbled upon a rare ornament, it’s one that represents your favourite hobby, and it even matches the home. To your amazement, your partner thinks it would match the aesthetic of your home and encourages you to make the purchase.
But, upon carrying through the doorway, you trip to the floor, and the ornament smashes. When you turn around, you see your partner's shoes carelessly placed across the floor, the ones you asked them to move when you left.
It seems, in this situation, perfectly okay and acceptable to let your rage run rampant. Shouting, screaming, pointing fingers and blaming, anything to get the anger and frustration run through you and attempt to regain even a thread of deserved justice.
However, I would argue that you should not only avoid letting the emotions take over, but also dramatically reduce the extent of emotions to which you experience in the first place.
And although that sounds impossible given the circumstances, it’s actually something that you can work towards and build for yourself.
The moment something happens, it is done. This isn’t just a mantra, but should be how you experience them. The only thing left to do, the only thing you have the power to influence, is your reaction to something. You can’t rewind time and change what happened, so why not change what happens next, and in a way that actually leads to something better?
Yes, you feel like kicking, screaming and shouting, but this only fuels more anger and frustration, and will only make the situation between you and your partner worse, so why bother?
If you haven’t cosied up with an idiot, they would have been able to instantly recognise their fault, and will most likely never leave their shoes lying on the ground again, so no, your reaction will not prevent any future accidents.
Anyway, you might now be thinking, what on earth does this have to do with being offended? And although insults are more complicated than accidents, the power of emotional intelligence applies in both cases.
Emotional intelligence is all about seeing something logically and then matching your emotions to that logic.
In my example, you break apart your reaction to find flaws, and then you adjust your reaction to avoid said flaws. The same is done with insults.
When someone offends you, there are two possible reasons.
You’re either offended by what someone said, or you’re offended by their intention to offend.
If you’re offended by their intention to offend, well then, you’re offended for no reason at all, and are just giving that person exactly what they want.
If you’re offended by what is said, then you must be insecure about what was said, and if that’s the case, you can either change it or you can’t.
If you can, then go ahead and change it. Why be offended? And if you can’t, well, you’re stuck with it, so why add to the pain by taking offence?
But when it comes down to it, the simple explanation is, being offended changes nothing, it only makes matters worse, therefore being offended is completely useless.
This is the logical way of breaking things down, and I think seeing this way is very easy. It’s matching the way you feel that is difficult.
So… how is it done?
How It’s Built
Just as the definition states, emotional intelligence starts with being aware of an emotion, and that’s exactly where you need to focus your attention first.
Giving in to emotion causes more and more emotion, so how quickly you can notice them is essential to controlling them. The sooner you’re able to identify the logic, the easier it becomes to control the emotion. Remember that.
You’ll begin by noticing when it’s too late, your emotions have already had their way with you, and now you’re faced with dealing with not only the thing that caused them, but the consequences of your reaction as well.
But that’s okay, because you’ve noticed them, and that's progress.
Soon, you’ll be catching them before they can cause too much damage, and the distance between the cause and your awareness decreases over time. It keeps going until you don’t even have to control them, because your attention to logic right at the very birth of the situation stopped them from ever arising.
That is when you’ll be able to not even feel the negative emotions in situations you can’t change. Not all the time, mind you, no one's perfect, and you’ll be reminding yourself for the rest of your life.
But the mundane things that used to cause so much negative crap in your life are gone, and even the big things have hardly any effect. Isn't that better than changing the other 8+ billion people from ever hurting you?
A faster and smoother way of building emotional intelligence is intentionally putting yourself through stressful and difficult situations, and then practising your ability to deal with them.
Do this by acquiring a habit of doing hard things, things that better you.
Exercise, cold water exposure, meditation, reading, etc.
Notice when you have thoughts of quitting, feelings of stress or hunger, or boredom, then control them, that’s practice, that’s emotional intelligence.
Do this enough and watch yourself turn into someone who can handle anything.
Stop being offended, turn yourself into a strong and competent individual and regain control over yourself and your emotions, it’ll change your life. Good luck.